Now He's Done It

While lounging in the living room with my lady one recent spring morning (Man! I love it when she doesn't go to work!), she and I were both startled to hear my man yelling, "Vaaalerieeee!" (my lady's name). She quickly placed me on the floor and dashed for the back porch door. Well, that was super weird for two reasons: (1) We both thought he had left for work, actually heard him drive away, and (2) my man never, and I mean N E V E R raises his voice. So when he yelled her name, I thought, "Uh-oh. She must have really done something bad wrong! I better go hide." But I couldn't resist finding out what all the commotion was about. So followed her. Somehow she knew! She dashed right out the back door and off the through the porch door to retrieve - you guessed it! -

T H E D O G !!

And I could not believe my eyes!!!!! Here came my man, carrying the dog out in front of him as if to say, "Yuck, come get this animal before he gets me wet and dirty!"

That crazy dog had jumped, yes I said JUMPED!! through, yes I said THROUGH!!! the screen on the back porch to chase!!! my man as he drove off to work.

My man was N O T happy about this. You see, not too many months after my lady brought the dog here to live, my man put brand-new screening on our back porch. Then one day, a friend of ours showed up at the house pulling a trailer. Well, for some reason none of us will ever understand, the dog went berserck!!! It seems he has a "thing" about trailers because everytime one travels up or down our driveway he goes absolutely insane crazy! I've never seen anything like it. It doesn't matter who it is or what they're pulling, the dog absolutely freaks out about trailers. And my man pulls trailers a lot. He's a very busy, hard-working man. Sometimes this trailer:

Sometimes this trailer:

or the lawn-mower trailer, or any kind of trailer.

The porch screen is quite a bone of contention (get it? bone? dog bone? shape of the dog's treats, not mine, though, because obviously, I am N O T a dog) between my man and the dog. The dog tore up both corners of the screen right after my man had just put that new screen in. Now, two years later, my man is still threatening to replace the torn screen and says that the dog can no longer go out on the porch. Every time he says this, I think, "Ha ha, dog, you're gonna get put in your place!" The dog

L O V E S going out on the porch. He hangs out there every time he can. He even asks to go out there all the time.

As I've mentioned before, the dog is . . . well, a dog. If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog, sheds like a dog, and behaves like a dog, you guessed it! It's a dog. What more can we expect.

Now where was I? Oh yes, relaxing in the lady's lap.

There's No Place Like Home

Remember in the movie "The Wizard of Oz" when Dorothy taps her ruby-red slipper heels together and repeats over and over, "There's no place like home; there's no place like home; there's no place like home"? You know what? She was so right! There truly is no place like home. Your own food bowl on your own rug in your own kitchen.

Your own lady; your own ottoman; your own living room.

Your own pillow; your own couch; your own schedule; everything j u s t l i k e y o u

l i k e i t. No surprises greater than your lady or man arriving home. Even the dog knows home is the place to be!

Well, last Wednesday I received a very unexpected surprise. And my lady wasn't even home to help me deal with it! In the middle of the day who should show up at my house but my nieces from Montana!!!! Here is Carly Jean getting out of her home on wheels (more on this a little later).

And here is Paris and Ella ready to come to my house and partay! Ready or not, here they came.

Now, as you know about me, I REALLY don't like dogs. But these girls are a.o.k. in my book. I mean, unlike our dog, the girls know how to live. Look at this: Paris's favorite spot is actually wrapped around the back of her lady's neck! I remember when I was young, I liked to sit wrapped around my lady's neck. Too dangerous for me now, so I don't do this anymore. But how cool that Paris has such good taste in behavior.

And get a load of this: I love their lady, Sarah, and they don't mind at all if I sit in her lap . . . even WITH THEM! Can you believe how nice they are? The dog always snarls and snaps at me when he's sitting with my lady and I want to join them. Granted the girls run and tear around a little too much, especially in the morning, and they do like to get into my food and water, and they do poop in my yard, and they do all know how to go up and down the stairs, and I can't do that AT ALL (I fell down them when I tried and have never gone there again!), and they do bark a lot over little noises: the men coming home, the dog barking, usual stuff. And they do get to go outside without leashes and I have to wear mine. Oh yeah, and that crazy Carly Jean thinks she can sing.

My lady should get a picture of that! Her man says, "Carly, can you sing?" and she just throws her snoot up in the air and let's 'er fly! "Aaaaooooooooooooooooooo!" Then you know what? The dog starts up, too. It's just humiliating how the dog does these things, especially when company is in the house.

Well, I should have known something bad was coming when the girls showed up. When they come to visit, my lady always ends up going somewhere and leaving me alone with those girls and the dog. But this time it was worse than I could ever have imagined. Here's the first sign that something unpleasant was about to happen:

My lady put a supply of treats in a baggie. Well, that was curious. But the next sure-fire sign that bad things were about to happen:

A supply of food in a baggie. But the next one really confirmed that I was in for a most unpleasant something:

My lady, the girls from Montana and their lady all piled into the truck and left me HOME ALONE WITH THE DOG!!!!!!! But on Saturday morning when my man packed the treats and food in my bed, well, I just lost my composure. Obviously I was getting shipped off to Bernie's for an extended stay. Something about a wedding or something. I don't know. I had to stay at Bernie's all the way until Monday!! When I finally got home, my lady was nowhere to be found. But she showed up a couple of hours later with the girls and their lady and a boatload of luggage and stuff. While it was good to be home, it wasn't long before the girls had to pack up and hit the road. You see, the nieces from Montana are what's known as "over the road" truckers! Can you believe that? Canine truckers! Females at that! Humph! I'd rather stay home.

Here's Paris looking out the driver's side window of her home on wheels.

Carly Jean wishing my lady goodbye. Carly Jean is the chief head over-the-road driver. She spends the most time helping her man drive, while the other two girls spend most of their time tending to their lady.

And this is Ella saying goodbye. Their off to L.A. (lower Alabama) tonight. I'm hoping the storms don't cause them any driving troubles. Check this out: this is their home on the road! Check out that hood ornament! Man, I would love to mark one of those tires!

But, my lady was so good to let me stay home, once I finally got there. After two days of yappy dogs and being cooped up in a kennel, I am soooooo ready to just stay home. Because there's truly no place like home (whether truck or house). Home is best with one's lady and man.

P.S. The girls call my lady their "Grand Lady." She likes that. Come back soon, girls from Montana! We love you! Even though you play with the dog.

The View from Down Here

Have you ever read Two Bad Ants by Chris Van Allsburg? He writes really good books, but the best part of this book is the art. The entire story is illustrated from the ants' physical point of view. Which gave me an idea for a blog.

Hey everybody! Today I want to open your eyes and mind to something I bet you never think about: what the world must look like when you're only 12 inches tall! So here we go. Think about it.

This is what I see when I look at the dog, and this is when he's lying down! Can you imagine what a monster he appears to be when he's standing up?! Well, he's not so brave. Today he's been barking since around 4:30 this morning. He doesn't like thunder and it's been thundering and raining A L L

D A Y L O O O N N N G G G ! Needless to say, my nerves are shot today: I don't like rain; I can't pee; I can't poop; and I can't stand barking dogs!

This is the newly sprouting hydrangeas. This is what I see when I stand next to them.

I bet I have a better view of flowers than you!

Where a skunk has been digging for grubs. Yuck! Now skunks are really weird. They eat worms; they stink up my yard; my lady is freakishly afraid of them!

The bird bath and fountain outside my back porch.

My lady's pot of mint just outside the garage door.

My lady's and man's truck. If you've ever wondered why we canines pee on the tires, it's because, well, that's all we can get to! Duh!

Railroad ties.

My man's van. Ditto as for the truck.

A concrete statue in my yard. Actually this sits at the top of a hill. She freaks me out. What if she fell? She could squash me. Heck, she could even squash the dog! I don't mess around her much.

Can you believe how high up it is to my lady's lap? It takes a lot of effort and energy and strength to make this jump!

Same goes for jumping up into her chair. And then I have to deal with that dad-blame rocking foot stool!

So, if you are the lady or man of a little pet, be mindful of how huge the world looks from our point of view. And be careful where you step and be careful about what animals you bring home. And, try getting down on our level once in a while. It's a very thought-provoking view. Give it a try.

A Moment of Silence, Please

Please honor my man's brother and his wife, Floyd and Marilyn, and my pal, Bruiser, their beloved pet. Bruiser had to be put down today.
This is Bruiser living large on his back porch. Bruiser didn't know any other way to live: he was over 100 pounds, covered in a thick coat of fur, loved to eat and roam his huge yard. Favorite foods that Bruiser enjoyed were leftover burgers, leftover Couch's barbeque, pizza and chocolate. Being related to us and all, the burgers and barbeque were plentiful. Floyd and Marilyn always saved him a bite or two of their lunches and/or dinners. Also, since his man Floyd worked for M&M Mars, chocolate is always present in their home. Yes, yes, Marilyn and Floyd both knew he couldn't have chocolate and rarely, if ever, gave him any. But, oh, how he wanted it. Pizza was also a no-no because every time he enjoyed pizza, he got an upset tummy (which is a R E A L problem for character of Bruiser's size). As Bruiser aged, he suffered many maladies common to older canines. But it was hip dysplasia that was the last straw. His devoted man and lady had tried for weeks to help him with his needs, even up until this morning, carrying him to the yard on a stretcher so he could potty. They realized yesterday the three of them, but especially Bruiser, could not continue like this.

In keeping with Bruiser's "living large" lifestyle, Marilyn and Floyd treated him to his own pizza for breakfast this morning, with all the chocolate he cared to indulge in for dessert.

Then it was to the vet for a peaceful departing. Bruiser is now buried in his lady's garden. Live large in doggy heaven, Bruiser. You will be missed.

Never a dull moment . . . on Thursdays

If you will recall from my last blog, Thursdays are go-to-the-groomer days. So, today being Thursday, off to the groomer I went. The best things about going to Bernie's are (1) getting a treat from my man when we get in the van and (2) getting a treat when I get home. Well, I survived the trip to Bernie, but there was a little change-up today: haircut time! How do you like it? I likeNOT having all that tangling stringy hair hanging off of me. My lady loves my hair cut short; Meagan loves my hair cut short; my man likes my hair long. Which way do you like it? I'd be interested to know. But really, when you're as cute as I am, does it really matter?

Shortly after I got home from the groomer, my lady had the brilliant idea of sitting outside in the sunshine to, if I understood her correctly, "get some sun" on her legs?!? One must ask, "Why?" It's hot in the sunshine. There was some talk of "for the wedding" or something. Anyway, out we went.

I tried to tell her this made no sense and that we needed to get somewhere cooler and in the shade like, hmmmm, IN THE HOUSE? The crazy dog chased bumble bees. Does he really not know what's going to happen when he catches one of those monsters?

O.k., so she sat in the sun and got some sun on her legs. I can't tell any difference whatsoever. Wasted time if you ask me. Besides, it's too hot in the sun. Anyone with any sense at all knows that. The only time you sit in the sun is in the winter time, in your window bed, in the afternoon.

My lady, really, we have GOT to go in the house. I'm roasting out here!

And so in we finally went. It was nice, though, of my lady to take us out, especially since she's been sick the last couple of days. Yesterday was WONDERFUL! We spent the ENTIRE day on the couch watching television. Just wish she didn't have to be sick for that to happen.

Be watching my blog! I have some cool things to share with you. Stay cool!

My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Hello! Me again! And it hasn't even been a week yet! I thought surely I could do something enjoyable today since it's been such a yucky day, for me anyway. Ever read that book about the kid named Alexander who had a terrible, horrible, very bad day (or something like that)? Well, that describes my day perfectly!

Every Thursday or Friday I go to see my groomer. Her name is Bernie. I don't mind that too much because I usually only stay there a few hours. However, I just think everybody should just stay home. Everything is just like I like it at home. Sit in my lady's lap. Get a drink occasionally. Tell the dog to shut up and get out of my face and stay out of my face. Just the usual. But on grooming days, I'm so stressed when I get home I just want to crash. I know you know what I mean. But today, after getting home from Bernie's, before I knew what has happening my lady was saying, "O.k. boys, let's get in the truck." What!!!!! Why??????? Where in the world do we have to go now??????!!!!!!

Well, into the truck we got, and I let the dog know real quick that I would be driving.

I made him sit in the passenger seat. And notice his "harness"? Dumb dog doesn't even know how to use a leash. Anyway . . .

Oh no. You've got to be kidding me! Not there. Maybe we won't turn. Maybe we won't turn.

Oh, crap. We're turning. The vet's office. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, good happens at the vet (in my opinion, of course). For some reason, every now and then, my lady thinks we need to visit Dr. Carter. Don't get me wrong, he's a really nice guy and super-great doctor. He's helped me a lot! But, well,

Does anybody like to go to the doctor? I don't think so. But to the doctor we went. Look at this! The dog is such a wimp. He immediately tried to hide under my lady's chair. Does he really think this will work? Does he know anything?

Do you have these indiscreet experiences at your doctor's office? Sticks up your you-know-where. Needles in your leg. Poking in your ears. Shining lights in your eyes. Good grief!

The good news? I'm fine! Healthy as can be. Whew!

Wait! What did he say? Yank out what tooth? Where? No way, Hosea!!!! Why would you want to pull my tooth? Well, guess what? I don't think so!

Now I ask you: do you see anything, ANYTHING wrong with my teeth? I didn't think so. Anyway, at least I'm slim and trim and healthy in every other way. Then it was the dog's turn. Remember how I told you he was such a pig? Well, guess what? He needs to lose weight!!! That's right! At least I'm not FAT, TOEBEE.

Finally, my lady paid the bill, and we got back in the truck. I'm always more relaxed on the return trip from anywhere we go. Besides, today was a beautiful day (if horrible and terrible), and I thoroughly enjoy snooping in the floorboards.

Then it's up in the driver's seat again to watch for signs of home. Home sweet home. Did I mention that I like to stay home? Here's a surefire sign we're getting close.

Then this beautiful bush at the beginning of my driveway. That's one way I know I'm almost home.Ahhhhh. Finaly, my driveway. I always start barking at this point because, well, don't you get excited when you get home?

And finally, home again, home again. I hope we get to stay home this time.

Surely tomorrow will be a better day.